Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Depression

Sometimes some things just sneak up on you.

If you would have asked me this time last year if I was depressed I would have said absolutely not. Even when I was dealing with post-partum depression last December, I would have assured you that it was a phase and would be quickly over with. I never would have admitted to being depressed since May 2007.

Most things have a cause, or starting point. In May 2007 my husband and I had serious problems with my parents and brother. During that time, untrue accusations were made and unattainable expectations were laid down. My parents are unable to accept that things aren't always going to be the way that they want them to be and other people in this world aren't always going to fit into their "people form". They said many things that shouldn't have ever been said and many feelings have been hurt in the process. Mainly my sweet husband. The people that he looked up to and respected threw everything in his past in his face. I feared all summer long that he wouldn't make it out of the black hole that they dug for him.

He did. Not without scars however and it is those scars that are still haunting me.

Anyway, during that week in May, I spiraled into a terrible depression. I guess that I knew I was "down", but with a vacation in June and then an ultrasound in July, I had a LOT to be happy about and thankful for. I was thrilled about the baby that we had waited so long for and I put a smile on my face. Even I began to believe that I was truly happy.

And so we went. My little Bear was born in October. I went through the typical ppd in November but thought that I was back to my old self in December. Things were typically hectic with the holidays and Norman worked a ton of overtime, managing to avoid all major family holidays. I am sure my family was secretly relieved. I was truly sad.

With the holidays coming again I have had to readdress this issue and make some tough decisions in my life. For the health of my family. Those decisions are going to cause confrontation with my family. I hate confrontation.

I sat on the couch today and realized that since May of 2007 I have gained 20 lbs. I have no interest in homeschool, homekeeping or enjoying these beautiful children that God has so graciously given to me. I have taken to eating everything I see and watching mindless trash on TV. I am depressed. And the hole is rather large.

So now, I must decide to pull myself out. I have to figure out how to deal with the family issues that are haunting me and I must decide for myself and my family to get off the couch and back to the stuff that really matters.

The reason that I am posting this isn't necessarily to air dirty laundry or to make you feel sorry for me, but it is to remind all of my readers that depression is real. Depression can take over everything in your life and waste precious time with your family. Every single day is a gift and I don't intend to let depression get the better of me.

I am now going to post this, putting all my very human flaws out there for all the world to see. Please take a minute to look at your life and make sure that you are living it in the best, God-honoring way that you can!

2 comments:

Crystal said...

It is during this time in your life that you can truly find just how awesome God is. I went through depression after my ex nearly killed himself in a drunk driving crash. That really took me down as I realized that life had not turned out how I had dreamed. It was during my darkest times that God showed me His enormous love for me. Take heart, dear Carie, family and friends will always fail you but Jesus Christ never will. Trust in Him and He will pull you out of this pit. I am living proof.

I will be praying, keep me updated. Can't wait to see you living in victory.

Sheri said...

Oh Carie...I too have had bouts of depression. It wasn't until I got pretty low and just sobbed and sobbed to the Lord-I gave it to him-begged for joy to return and let him heal me-that changed my life around. I have not gone down that pit again and I am ever so happy I handed it all to Him. I was trying to find a way out myself, when He was waiting for me to just "hand it over" to him-let him get back in the driver's seat. I know I was also under attack from Satan-he was trying to block the next stage of my life and I was letting him. I watched Joyce Meyer all the time, read The Battlefield of the Mind, dug deep into Beth Moore's books (like Get out of that Pit) and prayed like I never have before. There is where He lifted me out. He can for you too. Now, you may also be suffering from some chemical imbalances brought on by pregnacy. Brooke Shield's book is awesome for this. The family certianly didn't help the situation, but perhaps that is something you need to look into. I deal with a family that tugs and pulls and says/thinks very hurtful things too....all my life I have struggled with them-and it just added to my state. I had to get a backbone and let them know that I cannot be their puppet and will not let them run my life. It has been many years worth of touchy situations and hurt feelings...but I keep in mind-I need to do what keeps me healthy and my family healthy. Using God's lead in these situations has helped a lot too.
If you cannot find Brooke's book, I have it..found it at a dollar store and will send it to you if you want. Just email me privately and I will get it to ya.
My prayers and thoughts are with you dear. Cyber hugs too.
Sheri