Tuesday, January 04, 2011

I Know God is With Me, But......

This is kinda a personal posting, but if my sharing helps someone else, I am very glad to do it.  Sometimes it just helps to know you aren't alone.

Depression has an interesting way of sneaking up on people.  Sometimes it is the smallest things that make me just want to throw in the towel - and suddenly I realize I am depressed and have to look back and wonder when it all started.  Today's revelation was brought on when a friend commented about paying off one of his last 3 debts.  I could only wish we had 3 debts and that one was newly paid off!  LOL  But it is more than that and I know it.........

My battle with depression began many, many years ago.  I never felt like I was good enough and my people issues didn't help matters any.  I prefer to keep things bottled up.......I don't ever really remember exploding.  I just figure out how to deal with it.  Probably not well, but that is how it goes I suppose.  I graduated high school, got married, had Lee.  I don't really remember being excited about graduating high school, just resigned to my future.  My wedding day was the best day of my life, but even it was shadowed by hurt and disappointment, as the people I hoped would want the best for me were not supportive.  They couldn't even pretend to be happy for me and as much as I tried to ignore that disappointment, it still clouded my otherwise wonderful day.  Because of my choice of husband, we had no financial help in the wedding arrangements (aside from dh's mother who helped when she could).  Life doesn't seem to work out the way you want it to sometimes.  I have a feeling this is turning into a pity party, so I'm moving on.

After Lee was born, Norman lost his job.  We were getting ready to lose the house we had bought and had nowhere to go.  A last hour miracle financed us a trailer on my parent's ground.  We had nothing.  I don't remember fighting a lot but its hard when you don't even have the money to buy groceries.  Norman bounced from job to job while I tried to go to school.  The fighting started.  We drifted apart.  When I found out I was pregnant with Greg, I decided I had to either give this situation everything I had, or get out.  I decided to stay.  Greg was born and I hit the bottom.  I can honestly say that was the worst year of my life.  Norman got a great, steady, financially wonderful job shortly after Greg was born.  However, he had to work away from home.  There were many days that I didn't get out of bed.  Still, my memories of that year are a haze.  So many wonderful opportunities with my oldest 2 children slipped through my fingers.  Great friends and an amazing God got me through that year and helped me get out of that dark place. 

Depression is a very dark place.  Often, the depressed person knows they have a problem (I hate when people say if you know you are depressed, then stop)......they just don't know how to fix it.  Fear places a person in a place of inability......inability to think, to do, to plan.  Inability breeds and grows. 

I've struggled some since then, but I can honestly say that things have never been as bad as they were then.  I wish I could say that I have conquered depression!  Maybe people who don't care what others think, maybe they aren't affected as much.  I don't know. 

Our current situation is a mess.  If you are a personal friend, then you know what is going on, otherwise HERE is the quick story.  Feeling abandoned by the people that should love you the most is the worst feeling.  I don't wish that on anyone.  Loneliness has crept in.  I look around and want to change the house, bring in a breathe of fresh air, but what is the point?  We, God willing, won't be here that much longer.  But what if we are?  What if this house never sells?  What if we can't get financed for another house?  What ifs......they sneak up on you.......a person of fragile emotional bearing is very vulnerable to the "what ifs". 

God holds me up.  Every day I feel Him and I know that without Him I would be nowhere. Sometimes I need a little reassurance though.  A little earthly reminder that things are going to be ok.  I am trying to remember that sometimes you don't get that.........sometimes things that we can't control happen. 

A little change will do me good, and maybe a little more in a direction that can help our future.  Right now, there are so many variables.  I am thankful for the things we have and hope that the future is bright. 

Sometimes I just want to cry.........


Innisfree in Alaska said...

Carie, Thanks for stopping by my blog. I am so happy to have found your blog. May I add you to my blogroll? Your baby is adorable. I wanted to tell you that I also suffer from depression which is a disease and not a feeling like some people may be trying to tell you. I know people expect you to put on a happy face and get over it.. well that would involve treatment for the disease. I hope you are getting help. I have been there sister. I just came out of a dark time. I called my dr and told her and am getting help. If you ever want to talk I am here. :)- Briana

Kim said...

Praying for peace for you and all that you are going through...Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, lean NOT unto your OWN understanding, in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your path. God bless you!

Kim said...

I posted this to my blog today and thought you might have an interest in it. I have many 'God' posts under my tab called "Nuggets".
(PS. The way this is written is to myself, I did not write this as to you...just wanted to make sure you knew that:)

Mouth Talk - The Power of Words

Start calling those things that be not as though they are according to the word of God. Your self talk is important and learn how to meditate on the word. Prov 18:20-21 the power of life and death are in the tongue. Get up and say the Joy of the Lord is my strength, and I'm NOT going to spend the day depressed, i'm going to think on things that are going to benefit me. Do warfare with your mouth, fight for your life, don't give the devil one more day of your life. It closes the door to satan when you use mouth control, watch your words. Refuse to complain, murmur, grumble and find fault. You can be healed through speaking right words. Isaiah 58 says Theres healing power in the word of our mouth. 1cor 3:1-4 (AMP) Start being accountable for your words. Pay attention to how you feel and what you say when others get blessings. Don't hang out with selfish, geedy people, comprimisers (one foot in the world)
things you should do with your mouth:
1) stay busy blessing everything you can bless - numbers 6:23-27 (God I bless this day in Jesus' name, I bless my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my in laws, I bless myself in Jesus' name. I'm going to live under the blessing, i'm blessed going in and going out.) james 3:10 out of the same mouth come forth blessing and cursing, these things ought not to be so. Don't curse the day the Lord has given you. Deut 28:1-13
2) psalm 100:4 Be thankful and say so!!! Tell others you are thankful, tell God you are thankful. 1 thes 5:18 -19 the longer you have to wait the greater the temptation to murmur. Thank God while your waiting.

Kim said...

Not sure how much of that comment made it as google said it was too long and then the comment says it was saved. You can view my post here http://followthefish.blogspot.com/
God bless you!

Victoria said...

Trying to catch up on some of my blog reading tonight. I have always enjoyed your blog, and like to read about someone's honest, open feelings. Depression is a hard one to shake. So far, I haven't had to deal with it on a consistent basis, but I know others who have. Sometimes it is a medical issue that causes it, but I'm sure you already know that. Sure hope you will be able to find peace.