on my socks.
Whew. I actually texted that to someone this morning.
Why? Because I HAD to tell someone that there were bells on my socks (which make me insanely happy this morning, I don't know why).
Why did I HAVE to tell someone this?
Lest you think I've lost my mind, bare with me. Facebook has made me incapable of completing a single thought AND causes me to share mundane silliness that randomly pops into my head with hundreds of my closest acquaintances (poor souls that they are).
Facebook has also caused me a considerable amount of angst over the last few months. You've probably seen me walk away from facebook (and you know about that because I blogged about it, because I NEEDED to). And then you see me back. And you shake your head. Most of you don't know why I left, really. You have no idea what post or article upset me so that I couldn't take it anymore. Its not really A post or AN article but a culmination of posts, articles and pictures that cause ME an emotional reaction. It's MY problem.
I struggled this weekend. A comment to a post that was in no way related or directed to me, that I randomly saw Monday morning, caused me an emotional event. And I wonder why I keep putting myself through this. The little tiny bit of adult companionship and "keeping up" that I manage to do on facebook isn't worth the hurt, anxiety and soul searching that I have to do afterwards. Because I do realize that for the most part this stuff is MY problem. Nobody is being mean to me (normally).
I've got a lot of stuff to work through. You have no idea.
Writing helps me gather my thoughts. It makes me work through what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm journaling my way through a forest of trees. That's good stuff. Maybe something that I'm dealing with can help someone else. I doubt, though, that it is going to help someone else in blurb form. I think it will take more than that.
As I search for a perfect balance of social media, bare with me. I want to read articles you think are relevent and I want to see pictures of your kids. I want to be part of your life, but frequently facebook interaction leaves me feeling......unfulfilled. Because we were made for relationships. Not blurbs.
I sat last night and tried to work through the most recent (and probably most repeated) set of feelings.....I want attention - not really in a "your the best __ ever" context but in an "I care about you" context. How much can someone show love and care on facebook? Love is an action. It is a verb. It requires something to be done.....something that takes effort and requires sacrifice. I want to feel love - but how many people to I need to feel loved by? Isn't God enough? (fyi, He's not on facebook). Isn't my husband enough? I made a list of things that happened just yesterday that my family and God did that showed their love for me. Actions. Tangible proof. Love is shown in an "out of the blue" text, email, call or card. Love is shown in chores done without asking and needs met without complaint. That's the love that I felt yesterday. Love doesn't need to be shown every single day, but it must be shown often. If you can't remember when, that isn't often enough. Love isn't perfect, but it TRIES. I've got that love...already. I don't need to be looking for affirmation on facebook.
However, that leaves me in a quandry. Why? Because so many people, usually family-that-doesn't-live-with-us (not my husband and children) SAY they love us. But they don't reciprocate the calls, texts, invitations. They don't sacrifice their time to be with us. I don't know what to do with those people.
You see, I've been muddling along, reaching out and feeling rejected by a lack of response. A dear friend told me Sunday night that my responsibility was only in reaching out, not in their reaction to it. I can't tie their reactions or lack of reaction to my emotions. It has no bearing on my value as a person if they never call, never text, never invite or respond to an invitation. I am still a loved wife, mother, friend and child of God.
I've got to figure out how to deal with those emotions. It's hard. I feel deeply and love deeply and believe in showing that love freely through my actions. If love is an ACTION and there is no action, no tangible proof of love, then is there LOVE? I have to say no. You can't just say "I love you" and never show it. Those are just words on a screen. I have to accept that.
Accepting that means for now, I am stepping back from facebook. I'll still check in because I get my news there (no newspapers and if I don't leave the house I don't listen to the radio). My interactions will be limited because I have to learn how to deal with people properly. A proper boundary must be set. Now is as good a time to do it as any.
I bid you good day :) I look forward to writing some more tomorrow about my homestead kitchen (exciting stuff!).