I Know God is With Me, But......

This is kinda a personal posting, but if my sharing helps someone else, I am very glad to do it.  Sometimes it just helps to know you aren't alone.

Depression has an interesting way of sneaking up on people.  Sometimes it is the smallest things that make me just want to throw in the towel - and suddenly I realize I am depressed and have to look back and wonder when it all started.  Today's revelation was brought on when a friend commented about paying off one of his last 3 debts.  I could only wish we had 3 debts and that one was newly paid off!  LOL  But it is more than that and I know it.........

My battle with depression began many, many years ago.  I never felt like I was good enough and my people issues didn't help matters any.  I prefer to keep things bottled up.......I don't ever really remember exploding.  I just figure out how to deal with it.  Probably not well, but that is how it goes I suppose.  I graduated high school, got married, had Lee.  I don't really remember being excited about graduating high school, just resigned to my future.  My wedding day was the best day of my life, but even it was shadowed by hurt and disappointment, as the people I hoped would want the best for me were not supportive.  They couldn't even pretend to be happy for me and as much as I tried to ignore that disappointment, it still clouded my otherwise wonderful day.  Because of my choice of husband, we had no financial help in the wedding arrangements (aside from dh's mother who helped when she could).  Life doesn't seem to work out the way you want it to sometimes.  I have a feeling this is turning into a pity party, so I'm moving on.

After Lee was born, Norman lost his job.  We were getting ready to lose the house we had bought and had nowhere to go.  A last hour miracle financed us a trailer on my parent's ground.  We had nothing.  I don't remember fighting a lot but its hard when you don't even have the money to buy groceries.  Norman bounced from job to job while I tried to go to school.  The fighting started.  We drifted apart.  When I found out I was pregnant with Greg, I decided I had to either give this situation everything I had, or get out.  I decided to stay.  Greg was born and I hit the bottom.  I can honestly say that was the worst year of my life.  Norman got a great, steady, financially wonderful job shortly after Greg was born.  However, he had to work away from home.  There were many days that I didn't get out of bed.  Still, my memories of that year are a haze.  So many wonderful opportunities with my oldest 2 children slipped through my fingers.  Great friends and an amazing God got me through that year and helped me get out of that dark place. 

Depression is a very dark place.  Often, the depressed person knows they have a problem (I hate when people say if you know you are depressed, then stop)......they just don't know how to fix it.  Fear places a person in a place of inability......inability to think, to do, to plan.  Inability breeds and grows. 

I've struggled some since then, but I can honestly say that things have never been as bad as they were then.  I wish I could say that I have conquered depression!  Maybe people who don't care what others think, maybe they aren't affected as much.  I don't know. 

Our current situation is a mess.  If you are a personal friend, then you know what is going on, otherwise HERE is the quick story.  Feeling abandoned by the people that should love you the most is the worst feeling.  I don't wish that on anyone.  Loneliness has crept in.  I look around and want to change the house, bring in a breathe of fresh air, but what is the point?  We, God willing, won't be here that much longer.  But what if we are?  What if this house never sells?  What if we can't get financed for another house?  What ifs......they sneak up on you.......a person of fragile emotional bearing is very vulnerable to the "what ifs". 

God holds me up.  Every day I feel Him and I know that without Him I would be nowhere. Sometimes I need a little reassurance though.  A little earthly reminder that things are going to be ok.  I am trying to remember that sometimes you don't get that.........sometimes things that we can't control happen. 

A little change will do me good, and maybe a little more in a direction that can help our future.  Right now, there are so many variables.  I am thankful for the things we have and hope that the future is bright. 

Sometimes I just want to cry.........