Dealing with the Day to Day When Husbands Must Work Away

On August 1, 2000....15 years ago....my husband went away.

He didn't leave us.  He wasn't dead.

He was hired by the State of Illinois, Illinois Department of Corrections specifically and left to do his 6 weeks of academy training.  He would go to the academy very early Monday morning and come back to us on Friday night.

This was just the beginning of a 3 year separation for us.  Why?  Because the prison he was hired to work at was 3 hours away from our home and rather than remove us from our family and friends, he opted to work "away" while the boys and I remained behind.  When he accepted the position we were told that he could transfer to an institution closer to home in 18 months but the state of Illinois froze transfers so it was almost 3 years before he came home.

Let that soak in.

When he left that August morning, we had 2 sons.  Lee was almost 3 and Greg was 4 months old.  Explaining to a 3 year old that the daddy he adored wasn't coming home that night, or the next or the next was excruciating.  He didn't understand.  He would cry for the first 2 days and almost every night at bedtime.  Greg was spared that for the most part, as an infant, but had colic that started about the time Norman left.  He would scream for hours every night.  Hours.  For weeks.  Greg also got severely car sick.  Norman wasn't allowed to drive himself to the academy so I drove 4 hours on Monday morning to drop him off and 4 hours every Friday afternoon to pick him up.  For 6 weeks.  My parents are farmers and this was their busy season so for the majority of the time I would drive a Geo Metro 2 hours each way with at least 1 screaming kid.  Twice a week.  Sometimes I would have a panic attack on Friday mornings just anticipating the drive.

But it was worth it....because we were going to get Daddy.

After the 6 weeks, Norman started his employment at Dwight Correctional Center.  He stayed in some employee dorms on the ground of Pontiac Correctional Center.  He would drive himself up and back on his "Monday" and "Friday" (which were never actually Monday or Friday).  This left me with no vehicle.  If I was desperate I would borrow a vehicle from my parents.  We did all errands and shopping when Daddy was home.

For years we would celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving on whatever nearby day Daddy was home.  That's probably why we don't have all these traditions in our family regarding holidays....sometimes they were celebrated a week early or a week late....but we made the best of each situation....being so thankful for the days that we were together.

I don't think people understand how hard this was on me.  I became mom and dad 5-6 days a week.  I suffered from depression before but I also had to deal with severe anxiety.  Some days I would just huddle in bed and cry.  I laugh when people say that they can't be as strong as me.  I wasn't strong.  I was a mess.  But I did what I had to do.....

Why?  Because although I missed him terribly and the workload/responsibilities were huge, I was at home.  I was in a familiar town/area with my family and friends.  If I had an accident I could call someone.  If I was so lonely I just couldn't handle it, I had family I could visit (some of them literally saved me).  I kissed my kids good night before bed every single night.  Norman was in an unfamiliar town. He did make friends but it took some time.  I can't imagine how hard it was for him to be away from the boys.  That ache had to almost drive him to insanity somedays.  I do know he worked a lot of overtime while he was up there.  He said it helped the days go faster.

He thanked me yesterday, for not making it harder for him than it was.  You see, I never once complained.  I never told him how much we would cry while he was gone.  I put on my smiley happy face when he was home (because we were so happy that he was home!) and a cheerful voice into every phone call.  I determined early on that I was not going to make this any harder for him than it already was.  Was there anything that he could do about the crying boys?  The days my heart broke and I spent the whole day in bed?  Sure there was.  If he knew, he would have quit his job.  The best job he had ever had.  He would have come home to us.  Because that is what he would have given anything to do.  But he knew he had a responsibility to provide well for us and this was the path that God had given him to do it.  So he stayed at Dwight and I kept my mouth shut.

I look back now and wonder how many women realize the responsibility they have in their marriage to make things just a smidge easier for their husbands.  Do you really need to complain when he works overtime again?  Or should you be thankful that he is providing?  Should you lay out all your problems at his feet?  Or should you suck it up and remember that it isn't his job to be your everything.....it is God's?

You see, those sacrifices we made those years enabled Norman to find fulfillment in a job he enjoys.  He makes a wage that enables me to be home, to educate the kids and kiss the booboos and give the lovings that children need and have to get from others when both parents are employed.  I'm not saying I don't wish there had been another way, but there wasn't.  Sometimes you must just accept the way things are and make the very best out of them.  Doing that shouldn't make it harder on the other person.

As I look back, I recognize some things that did help me cope during those long days, weeks, months and years.
1. Focus on TODAY.  If today is Monday and Norman just left, I wouldn't dwell on how many days it would be until he got home.  I would decide what I was going to do that morning, what I was fixing for lunch, what I was doing that afternoon, what I was fixing for supper, what books we would read or movies we would watch at bedtime. Do that the next day, and the next day and the next.

2.  Find a confidant.  I've never said that you should keep all your feelings bottled up.  I've only said that you shouldn't burden your husband with them.  Find a FEMALE friend or two to confide in when you just need to vent.  It happens.  Find someone that will ENCOURAGE you to keep on keeping on.  Nobody is meant to do everything alone.  I've offered to be that person for several people.  I hope that someday they take me up on the offer.

3.  Get out of the house.  I spent part of the time Norman worked away with no vehicle.  Having no vehicle doesn't mean that you have to sit in the house and brood all day.  Go for a walk.  Plant flowers.  Enjoy nature.  If you are blessed enough to live in town, walk to a library or park or coffeeshop.  Even 30 minutes a day can improve your outlook on life.  I tried to go on a walk every day I could, weather permitting.  Once I had a vehicle, we would drive into town one day a week for lunch and a trip to the library.  I tried to make it mid-week so that it broke up the time that dad was away a little.  Schedule play dates if you have little kids.  It takes effort.  I'm an introvert so doing these things sometimes took a lot out of me, but in the end I needed the adult interaction and the kids needed fun things to do.

4.  Find a hobby.  You might not have much time.  I get that.  Find something that you enjoy doing and carve out 30 minutes for it.  I read, knit and blog.  I did cross stitch for years and I also sew (sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't).  Do you garden?  Lift weights?  Fix things? Scrapbook?  Play an instrument?  Don't know?  Then go get some books from the library.  You might find some new things that interest you.  When Norman worked away I learned to knit, canned my own food, had a garden, read lots of books, did cross stitch and started writing (in a journal because blogging wasn't a thing yet).

5.  Try to keep Daddy days fun.  This one is hard and might not always happen but it is so important.  If your husband is only home 1 or 2 days a week or worse, a month, then it is important that the time be as enjoyable for everyone as possible.  We would go into town, have lunch at Bonanza and then do grocery shopping.  Every week.  The employees at Bonanza knew our orders.  We would have so much fun and get errands done and it was special time with the kids.  We would spend time with Norman's mom (she missed him too).

6.  Have a set routine on the day Daddy leaves.  This is important.  Especially with little kids, but I think that it is useful for wives as well.  We would get up and do the same things every day daddy left.  The routine was comforting for the kids and helped with their anxiety and the tears that tended to take place.  It was easier for everyone.

We are in a slightly different place now.  Those 2 little boys are almost all grown up (18 and 15).  We have 2 new little ones (7 and 5).  My husband works at Robinson Correctional Center now and works a lot of overtime.  The thing with overtime is that you don't always know when that will happen.  So I mark time by a clock.  Norman will call by 2 if he is staying late at work that day.  I rarely plan my evening until I know what he will be up to.  The kids have learned to be flexible.  I have to take on farm responsibilities and parenting responsibilities.  I make a lot more decisions than I would like because I am the one home most often.  I think that the early years prepared me for this.  I'm very flexible.  Evenings are lonely, but we have a sort of routine for when Daddy works late.  I usually get more of "my" projects done when Daddy works late.  We make the best of the situation.

In the end, that's all you can do.  Complaining and whining don't help but you can help yourself (and your husband/children) make the best of a difficult situation.  As the wife and mother, you set the tone for the home, so set a positive, joyful tone.  You won't regret it, I promise.

Joy - Part 1

Joy: a feeling of great pleasure and happiness (noun)
        rejoice (verb)

Deuteronomy 28: 47-48a
If you do not serve the Lord your God WITH JOY AND ENTHUSIASM  for the abundant benefits you have received, you will serve your enemies whom the Lord will send against you.

That's some tough stuff right there.  If we aren't serving God, with joy, we are serving our enemies.  Well I, for one, don't want to be serving the prince of darkness or anyone else that he has sent to trip me up.  I want to serve God and I want to do it with JOY.

Can you think of things that give you joy?

• sunshine after the rain
• snuggling a new baby
• coffee with a friend
• flowers blooming
• a job well done

Joy doesn't always come naturally to us though, does it?  I know that in the midst of my deepest depressions I would have laughed at that list.  If I was showing joy, I was faking it.  I've discovered that losing my joy, my natural cheery, joyful attitude doesn't just happen in one fell swoop.  It happens over time.  You don't know it is happening until the joy is gone.

Let's come up with some joy stealers:

• exhaustion
• clutter
• illness (you or someone you care for)
• extremely full schedule
• jealousy - discontent
• loneliness
• family problems
• financial problems

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that there are going to be easy answers for these problems.  Some of the problems that you and I encounter in life are HUGE.  They may show up suddenly but they will take a while to resolve and may never fully resolve here on earth.  That's a tough statement isn't it?  The fact is that sin is here and Satan is actively trying to cause problems.  That's his job and he is good at it.  He wants to do everything he can to make you loose your joy.....you wanna know why?  Because if you have no joy you won't:

• keep trying
• praise God
• hold on to hope
• love others and yourself
• give grace

That's why Satan wants to take your joy.  He wants you to give up and push God away.  He wants you to be angry and bitter.......That's what happens when you lose your God-given joy.

Defeated
Angry
Bitter

None of us want to live lives like that.  The thing is that your problems don't have to be resolved themselves for you to choose joy.  In the midst of all your troubles, you can choose to remain joyful....but its a choice you have to make....every hour of every day.  I'm NOT going to say that it will be easy.  It's not.  Good things in life rarely are.

Your assignment for the next 2 weeks is to study up on what the Bible says on Joy.  I'm not going to list all the verses in Psalm that joy is mentioned - there were a lot when I searched on my Bible Gateway app.  In Proverbs check out 2:10, 3:13, 8:32 and 34, 10:1, 11:10, 12:20, 13:9, 14:10, 15:20-21 and 30, 16:20, 17:21, 21:15, 23:24-25, 29:3, 6 and 18

That should keep you busy.  APPLY THE VERSES TO YOUR LIFE!!!! Reading/studying the Bible does absolutely no good if you aren't willing to apply what you learn to your daily life.

I'll leave you with this though:
Galatians 5:22-23
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, JOY, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  There is no law against these things!

If you have the Holy Spirit in your life then you CAN have joy!!!!  If you have no idea what I'm talking about but want to, please leave me a comment.....I would love to talk to you!

Finding My Place in History

I'm a historian.  Looking at the big picture in light of past events is something I do...sometimes unconsciously.  I like to fit together the pieces of the puzzle, compare past events and their consequences with things that are happening or seem to be happening now.  I enjoy teasing out the way history has been "revised" to fit present "correctness".

Once upon a time I thought I might enjoy a future in politics.  Historically, many of our founding fathers dealt in politics, although I'm sure nothing like the current mess we have.  I wanted to be out there MAKING history.  I didn't just want to read about it....I wanted to DO it.

Somewhere along the way, I discovered, correctly, that I wouldn't be cut out for politics....in any century.  My skin isn't that thick, I don't think that quickly and I doubt I could shoulder the burdens of the world for one minute let alone for the duration of a career.

That's probably just as well that I discovered this early....like in 8th grade.  lol  Anyway, as a young adult, a young mother, I discovered my favorite part of history.....learning about the lives of those who have gone before us.  That is true history.  The day to day stuff that shapes the lives of children, families and communities.  THAT is what will eventually trickle down and create history.  The lives and actions of ordinary people make a big difference in the scheme of things, even when their names and lives are forgotten.  I think that is why it is most important that we keep a journal, whether online or on paper (I do both).  I find those things fascinating and I'm sure others do.

In our world today we are fighting a war in Iraq and Afghanistan.  The big debate is whether Bowe Bergdahl was a deserter, taliban sympathizer or genuine prisoner of war (I'm sure his mother is glad he is home but was the price too high?).  And what in the heck is his father spouting off about??  Who knows, right?  Unemployment is through the roof (and touches the lives of those I know), drug use is running rampant and the state of IL is going down the drain (rapidly).

Let's face it....what can I do about any of that?  Really?  In the course of historical events relating to these headline items, you will not find my name.  You won't find the name of anyone that I know personally.

And that's ok.

That took me a long time as an adult to realize.

It's the little things, the mundane things, that matter.  They really do.

If I don't feed our cows, they will die.  The same with the piglets and chickens.  If I don't care for them daily in feeding, watering and general maintenance then they will die.  If they die we are out food for the next year and a fairly large chunk of money.    I school my children daily so that they will grow into hardworking, dependable, loving, generous and kind adults that make an impact in their family; their community.  I shop (care for my family, supporting my community businesses) and visit and take part in community activities.  I volunteer.  I read.  I knit.  I try to expand my understanding of the world around me.  Not because I can single-handedly change it, but because God made this wonderful, beautiful world and I want to know what's out there.  Why shouldn't I?  

I want to be able to help my neighbors and friends.  I want to love unconditionally.  I want to impact my little world.  I CAN do that.

Washing dishes might not seem like much but if they aren't clean, chaos reigns supreme.  If chaos reigns, then how will my children understand the peace of order?  If clothes aren't clean, will my husband be able to go about his duties with a full focus on the work in front of him?  If meals aren't healthy, how will our bodies get the nourishment they need to grow and function properly?  If we don't expand our minds, how will we know what could be?

Mothers, fathers, don't get stuck in thinking that life is mundane nothingness and then you die!  It is the little things that count!  One more story, clean laundry, home-cooked meals, snuggling in bed, driving to practice, homework.......we are impacting the lives of our children and those we encounter every single day!  Let's put a smile on our faces and embrace our places in history.  My place is as a wife, mother, gardener, animal caretaker, dog and cat owner, baker, knitter, seamstress, learner, explorer.......and I plan to leave a written (typed) legacy of all those wonderful things for those that come behind me.  How about you?  What is your legacy?  Have you embraced your place in history?

Come Back to Jesus - And Don't Bring Your Blackberry by Tanya Logan

***I received this product for free in exchange for a fair review as part of the CWA review crew.***

I got a smartphone last year after YEARS of longing for one.  Why did I want one so bad?  Well, I think some of it is just greed.....I like the newest things and fancy things....and who doesn't want to be able to call up the latest weather or news story?  I think another part of me wanted one because I could feel like I belonged.  I don't always do so well in social situations and am frequently uncomfortable.  On facebook (from phone or computer) I could feel like I belonged without ever really interacting with REAL people.  With a smartphone, that ability is so quick and easy.  I had gotten to where I didn't want to miss anything and I would get frustrated if others weren't posting status updates or commenting/liking mine.  Pathetic, huh?

A friend has been bemoaning the evils of modern communication technology for years.  I don't know how many times I've shaken my head as he rattled on again and again about how we were losing touch with reality and real people, how relationships didn't matter anymore (but they do to God!) and how we were wasting time (I'm visiting with friends, checking on loved ones, how dare he???) on our little electronic devices.  Just wait, I'm coming around to his way of thinking.

I've really been convicted lately of how little time I've been spending with God.  The littles and I started going to a new church in September with a wonderful Sunday School program and I got an adult lesson book and found daily Bible readings in the back.  So I began daily doing those readings, then added in an additional chapter of Scripture (in depth) and if I had time, a Bible study.  About an hour, with interruptions, each morning. 

Shortly after that, I was given the opportunity to review Come Back to Jesus - And Don't Bring Your Blackberry  by Tanya Logan.  I was drawn to this choice.  I know God was leading me because I needed it badly. 

There is a lesson a day for 6 weeks with a leaders guide included in case this is wanted for a small group study.  I definitely think that some accountability would be useful, as I am doing this alone, but I've asked God to be my accountability partner this time :)  Each lesson is short and to the point.  Although I quickly figured out where she was heading with the study, she did it nicely and nonjudgementally. 

In the end it comes down to a good-better-best thing.  Is what I am doing (social media, reading, hobbies) the BEST use of my time?  Let's face it, I'm only getting one today.  Once it is gone, it is gone.

I quickly caught myself doing the following:
-open facebook on my phone for "just a minute" and come up for air 45 minutes later
-find myself angry about things that were posted (and that had no bearing on me, my family, or anything really - so why was I mad?)
-found myself checking facebook at the kids sporting events
-found myself checking facebook at the supper table (even though we have a "no phones" rule at the table - my oldest son took it away from me - good for him!)

My facebook problem wasn't the only thing getting in the way of my relationship with God.  I read an enormous amount of fiction books.  They aren't bad, but I do need to curb my reading time to make time for other more important things.  My hobbies, although much lower on my distraction list, also need to be kept in the proper perspective.

How am I working to change my perspective?  I've allotted 1 hour a day (30 minutes morning and evening) to facebook checking.  I've also allotted 30 minutes a day to blogging (going to be using that save feature) and 30 minutes to email.  I've already scheduled time for "me" activities into my day - reading, hobbies, etc so I am going to be trying to make the BEST uses of those times.  Good-better-best, remember? 

This Bible study has opened my eyes to so many things that had become idols in my life.  Do you need to step back and take a look at what is REALLY important in your life?  I think it would do many of us a lot of good, I know it did me!

Come Back to Jesus - And Don't Bring Your Blackberry is available for $9.99 on the kindle or $15.99 as a paperback. 

Faith: Joseph's Story A Novel and Christian Bible Study by Sandra Lea Hardage

***I received this book for free in exchange for a fair review as part of the CWA Review Crew***

I think that God's been trying to talk to me. 

I received Faith: Joseph's Story by Sandra Lea Hardage a few weeks ago.  The first part of the book is a novel of Joseph's life.  The author takes some liberties in minor details and weaves a very interesting story about the life of Joseph, before his journey to Egypt and after.  It is thoroughly enjoyable!  The book doesn't stop there.

The 2nd half of the book is a Bible study on faith.  Using the lives of those in Joseph's family (starting with Abraham) and then Joseph's life this is a very in-depth study of faith.  I am amazed that I am learning so many things from such a small (often read!) section of scripture.  The 3rd part of the book is the leader's notes making this a wonderful study for small groups.....I will admit that I have had to really examine my life with this study (especially today's readings on jealousy and bitterness...ouch). 

Since beginning this book and study, I have encountered the topic of faith in my regular private readings, Sunday school lessons and Sunday sermons.  I guess God knew I needed to focus on this!

If you want to start digging into Faith: Joseph's Story, you can do so for $14.99 (softcover) or $3.99 (ebook).  If you get the ebook, print that baby out.  Trust me, you are going to be writing and highlighting and circling.....I am anyway.  Good, good stuff!

A Woman Who Memorizes God's Word

Last time I posted I commented that I wanted to become more diligent about memorizing the Word of God. 

I'm putting that desire into practice this week (and prayerfully for many, many weeks after!).

This morning I got out my copy of Polished Cornerstones by Doorposts.  Other times I have focused my memory work on what the kids were doing or whatever a Bible study I was working through suggested but this time I wanted verses that applied to my calling as a godly woman.  I knew that Polished Cornerstones would have relevant verses by subject, so that is where I started.  I found a whole section called "A Woman Who Memorizes God's Word" so I decided that is where I would start.

Chuck Swindoll writes in Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life:
"I know of no other single practice in the Christian life more rewarding, practically speaking, than memorizing Scripture...No other single exercise pays greater spiritual dividends!  Your prayer life will be strengthened.  Your witnessing will be sharper and much more effective.  Your attitudes and outlook will begin to change.  Your mind will become alert and observant.  Your confidence and assurance will be enhanced.  Your faith will be solidified."

I also believe that God uses the Holy Spirit to recall for us verses that we have memorized when we need them.....if they aren't there how can we recall them???? 

So, I'm choosing to arm myself with the Holy Word of God. 

Here are the verses that are suggested for this section and I am going to try to get them committed to memory this week. 

Psalm 119:105
Psalm 119:30
Psalm 19:8
Deuteronomy 6:6
Psalm 119:9-16

If you are looking to begin some scripture memorization, those verses are a good place to start.

See you soon :)

Are Distractions as Dangerous as Demons?

In Luke 11:24-26 Jesus tells about what happens when an evil spirit leaves a person's body.  The body or spirit is left empty and if it isn't filled with good things then the evil spirit or demon will return and the person will be worse off than before.

We discussed this in Sunday school class a month or so ago and we discussed that when you come to know Christ you turn away from evil things, sin and then....what?  Shouldn't we fill our lives with good, Godly things?  Yes! 

How about those of us who have been Christians for a while.  I was raised in church, although I don't feel that I came to really know and understand the truths of Christ until I was a young married mom. 

My thoughts are that distractions in our lives can be just as dangerous as demons in that we lose focus on Christ and don't make time or room for the Holy Spirit to fill us and work in our lives. 

Demons overtake a person and fill them with evil.
Distractions fill time, take space and energy - that should be used for the glory of God.

Because I am distracted am I missing out on God's leading and the filling of the Holy Spirit? 

James 4:3-4
And even when you ask, you don't get it because your motives are all wrong - you want only what will give you pleasure.  You adulterers!  Don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God?  I say it again:  If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God.  NLT

Revelation 3:20
"Look!  I stand at the door and knock.  If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.  NLT

God is knocking on the door of my heart!  He wants me to make time, take time, make room for HIM!

What are some distractions for ME? 
TV, Facebook, worries (about life and what others think of me), books, magazines, internet, hobbies

**This is MY list.  Please don't feel that I am judging you!**

Now, lets take a look at my list. 
TV - there are some good things on TV, some ok things on TV and some horrible things on TV.  Even if I am watching a "good" thing, could I be doing something better? (serving somewhere, encouraging someone, reading/studying God's word)
Facebook - I spend a lot of time on facebook.  If it wasn't for facebook some days I wouldn't talk to an adult all day.  But that's no excuse.  There's a lot of trash on there.  Stuff I don't need to see or read.  And I probably post nonsense that I shouldn't (because I'm human too). 
Worries - Those are things that I need to give to God.  NOW!
Books - I try to  read decent books.  I love a good mystery.  I read a lot of non-fiction Christian books.  Couldn't my time be better spent reading the Bible?
Magazines - except for a few homeschooling, homemaking magazines (Eternal Encouragement, Keepers at Home, Practical Homeschooling) and my knitting, quilting magazines....mainstream publishing is trash.
Internet - Everyone knows there is a lot of trash on the internet.  I have a habit of surfing just to surf.  Not good.
Hobbies - I knit, garden, sew.....those are all good as long as they don't become an obsession.  I love to write but I need to be writing about good things.  Things that edify.  Sometimes that's a struggle.

Now that we have discussed my list of distractions, take a second and pray about the things that distract you.....

Is there a time and purpose for idle entertainment?  I think so, but not at near the frequency that we (myself included) tend to indulge.  God made us to WORK....if we are women he made us to work at home and for his kingdom.  God set aside one day as a day of rest, but lets make sure that our rest is really restful and not distracting from God's kingdom. 
Can some of the things (maybe all the things) I've listed above be used for God's glory?  Sometimes.  I'm sure we could go through the list and think of ways my distractions could be used to further the kingdom.  Am I using them that way?  Rarely. 
Can distractions take my focus off God?  Absolutely!  Even if something starts off to further the kingdom, sometimes it gets misled or lost.  Sometimes good intentions end badly.  It happens to everyone!  That's why it is important to regularly evaluate the purpose behind the things we do.  Each season of our lives is different and different things will be important at different times.  We/I need to seek God and make sure that our/my pursuits are lining up with His will for my life (and mine won't look like yours - we are unique!)

I Timothy 4:4-5
Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it but receive it with thanks.  For we know it is made acceptable by the word of God and prayer.  NLT

What does this mean for me?
Well, it means that other than to post a daily blog post (I'm trying to focus more on my actual writing and less on meaningless facebook status updates) and a quick check of email daily I won't be on the internet.  I am going to keep a list of things that I honestly need to check on (bank details) or research and do that on Saturday or Sunday but I am limiting my time.  If there isn't much on that list I may read some of my favorite blogs.  I'm probably going to avoid facebook for a time.  The bullying and hate that is passed around there is amazing and honestly I don't need it in my life right now. 
I'm also going to make time with God a priority.  I just started a study on Faith: Joseph's Journey by Sandra Lea Hardage (review coming soon) and am making time to work through that as well as my daily reading, study and Sunday school prep work.  The littles are starting Awana tonight so they will get some memory work and I'm going to work on it with them.  I've never been good at memory work and that is something I am committing to work on.
I'm going to try to spend time with people face to face.  I've been depending on this little black machine to control my interactions with people.  That's not good for me.  So that is a priority for me and the kids.
I'm still going to be reading, but I'm going to be putting limits on my daily pleasure reading (no more getting lost in a book until suppertime - at least not regularly!  lol)
I would go crazy if I quit knitting and since I make gifts and practical items I see the purpose in that hobby.  Actually limiting my time on the computer will make more time for that.  We need some curtains!!!!!

This is my journey.  I encourage you to step back and make sure that your path with God is heading in His direction.  Mine wasn't and I'm committed to getting it back on track. 

Please comment (if you are comfortable) with what distractions are filling your life and how you plan to refocus. 

Have a blessed day!

Where Will You Go From Here?

Valorie Burton is a certified profession and executive coach.  A Christian, Valorie takes a Biblical view of recovery after a life-changing setback. 

As one at the beginning of recovery from such a setback, I found Valorie's advice concrete and reassuring.  She walks you through the steps of recovery from denial to goal setting.  Sharing the stories of others (and her own) that have had to pull up from the ditch, she understands the pain and difficulty that clouds all judgement. 

Thought provoking questions are provided in each chapter to guide your thinking.  Scripture reminds me who is really in charge :) 

I took forever to read this book.  Each chapter had so much for me to learn and glean from.  I'm getting ready to do a second read through as I get my feet firmly planted on solid ground.  I am so thankful to have received Valorie's book for review, as I truly believe it has changed my perspective and given me concrete ways to move forward in my life.  This book is available through Amazon with prices starting at $9.96.

***I received this book free for honest review as part of the Blogging for Books program through WaterBrook Press. ***

Speech - Psalm 19:14, Psalm 141:3

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth;
Keep watch over the door of my lips.

***This study was mainly for me.  I don't want others to think I am pointing fingers.  I NEEDED to read this and hear this and know that it was true.  I am sharing in the hopes that it will bless others.***

Words are powerful.  Not just spoken words, but words written, blogged, twittered and sang.  As I consider my words:
Are they always honest?  kind?  encouraging?
Am I using words to express the love of Jesus to those around me?
Should I practice silence?
Does this HAVE to be said?
What are the consequences if I DO or DON'T speak?
Does love guide my words?

Those are the tough questions that I am contemplating this morning.  I can say that I started several years ago to monitor my speech (I'm NOT perfect though!!!!!) so I do have a tendence to think twice before I speak.  I also have written many letters this year, only to throw them away a few days later.  I think that it is good to write out your feelings in a letter, set it aside for a day or so and then decide if it should be mailed.  Once I actually mailed a letter (several years ago) but since then they usually get thrown away. 

The thing to remember is that words - no matter the delivery method - can't ever be taken back.  Yes, sometimes things NEED to be said.  Frequently,  the words I want to say won't make any positive difference in the situation.  If they won't impact the situation in a positive way, why take a chance that they will make a negative impact? 

Yes, sometimes bottling things up will make a situation explosive.  Share your feelings with a trusted friend (removed from the difficult situation).  Write in a journal (oh the journals I have filled!).  Write a letter to the person and then throw it away (I don't suggest email, it is way to easy to push send).  Someone suggested to me that I write out all the things I want to say, give them to God and bury them somewhere - or watch them burn in a fire.  All those hurt feelings and anger can be taken away by Him if we let Him anyway. 

So, today, I urge you to reflect on your words.  Let God guide you daily so that everything that you (or I!!!!!!) say will glorify Him.

God is Always There

During the past (almost) year, we have done a lot of leaning on our friends.  Although we weren't terribly private people before, my wonderful husband and I prefered to be the one to do the supporting, rather than being the ones supported.  Things change (in an instant) though and I can honestly say that I now know what it is like to be on the receiving end of unconditional love and support.  We have been blessed beyond measure and even farther beyond what we will ever deserve.

With that said, our friends have their own lives.  Their own families.  Their own chores, errands, plans and dreams.  While our world felt like it had fallen apart and stopped altogether, their lives were ticking along nicely.  In reality, as much as I might have wanted them to, they couldn't all sit here day after day and hold my hand. 

All the earthly support in the world can't be there 24/7.  So when fear strikes in the middle of the night, after a particularly hard day (the 3rd one this week) or when you know all are busy and don't want to be a bother.....who do you lean on?  If you are a Christian, the easy answer is God.  And that is true.  But when you are at the bottom of the pit, to scared to look out or even think about climbing out, calling on God doesn't always seem helpful. 

God is there.  He wants to comfort you.  He wants you to lean in His arms and be carried by His strength.  Here are some suggestions for things that you can do from the bottom of the pit to feel close to your Father.

* read the Psalms
   I am on my 3rd read-through of Psalms this year.  Every time I have been encouraged and lifted up by selections that I just didn't notice the time before.  The Psalms were written by people at the bottom of the pit, they speak the words that you can't and help you explain the emotions that are smothering you.

* pray
   Even if it is my favorite "God, I don't know what to do now" prayer.  He hears and you will feel closer just by talking to Him.  Pour your heart out and then just sit in silence and listen.  God says the most wonderful things to me when I just listen.

* be grateful
   I know that it is hard to be grateful when you are sitting alone in the bottom of the pit, but you CAN find at least one thing a day to be grateful for.  Last fall, around Thanksgiving, I purposed to think of at least 3 things every day that I was thankful for and to openly thank God for those things.  My children picked up on it (I was using prayer time at meals for this) and I think it did all of us good to remember the blessings that God gives us.  Is the sun shining?  Be thankful for that.  Are there flowers you can see/smell?  Be thankful for the beauty that God has provided.  Did the cat just have 11 kittens in the bottom drawer of your dresser?  Be thankful for a sweet reminder of God's creation (and a newspaper ad that can give them all away!).

*  remember others
    While sitting at the bottom of the pit, it is lonely.  In our situation we were all in the pit together, but we each still felt very alone.  I found it humbling to pray for the needs of others.  If you don't know of any others who have needs, watch the news for 5 minutes.  Read the newspaper and pray for the families of those listed in the obituary section.  No matter how terrible your situation, you have God with you, there are others in this world that don't.  How hopeless must their situations be?

*  make plans to get out of the pit
    Let's face it, the pit isn't a fun place to be and you can't stay there forever.  So NOW is a fantastic time to plan your escape.  Get a notebook and ask God to show you His plans for you.  You might get a teeny tiny glimpse.  Work with that.  Jot down your hopes and dreams for your future.  Seek out the advice of those wonderful friends and bounce ideas off of them.  Pray for your dreams.  If you feel God leading you in one specific direction, make plans to take a step that way.  As long as you are open to God's leading along the way you can't go wrong. If you feel that you hit a wall, or have a setback, don't give up!  Reevaluate and start again.  (I speak from experience here.  Norman and I are not ones to sit back and wallow in our pity.  We've been trying many avenues to better our situation.  So far, they have all been dead ends.  We are to the last option.  It seemed drastic, but the way seems clear to us.  So we go forward, knowing that we didn't arrive at this choice lightly, we have exhausted all other options and that God is with us, no matter what.)

*  sing
   I don't care if you can carry a tune, or not, sing.  I think that just the process of singing frees your mind to praise God.  Process the words to your favorite hymn.  Listen to God's promises of mercy and grace and let them wash over you.  I promise that if you aren't on your way out of the pit, you will be heading that way soon enough.

*  banish Satan
    Just the last few weeks, when I feel fear creeping up on me, I have been rebuking Satan.  Fear is not from God, it is from Satan, trying to get a handle on you.  I refuse to let Satan, and fear, rule my life anymore.  I give my problems, concerns and fears to God and I let Him keep them.  I don't take them back.  They aren't mine anymore.  God is far more capable of handling them than I am.

That pit of fear, loneliness and despair is a terrible place to be.  I wish that I could say you will never end up there again.  I can't.  But you don't have to stay there.  If you are reading this, you are alive.  Life is worth living.  Whatever you have lost, a loved one, financial security, relationships, job.......you have your life.  Live it with joy.  Joy in knowing that God is there no matter what happens.  Joy in the small things like flowers and kittens.  Joy in helping those who have found themselves in the pit (who would be more qualified than someone who has been there???).  All problems can't be solved, but we can go on living without the solution.  I encourage you to say a pray, pick up your Bible and purpose today to start living again. 

Breaking the Pattern of Verbal Abuse

My heart broke the day I heard my oldest son saying something snide and sarcastic to his brother.  What have I done, I thought.  Then I felt God prompting me to do something about it.

When God tells you do something it really is best to listen.  I am here to tell you that the road is not easy and you are going to learn some very nasty things about yourself.  You will be confessing sins you didn't previously know that you had and you will be dealing with the sins of others in a way that you aren't accustomed to.

My first reaction, when hearing Lee's comment, was to be snide and snippy back.  That's how this works, right?  No.  So I am (STILL) trying to retrain my brain/mouth combination to work in a different way.  I have to think - and sometimes pray - before I open my mouth ALWAYS.  Because sarcasm had become so ingrained in my psyche, I was frequently saying things without realizing it.  Pray before speaking.  Always. 

Let me tell you, this is NOT easy.  Years of wrong behaviour are very hard to break and there aren't any 12 step programs for this one.  Asking for forgiveness is an ongoing thing......every single time I mess up, I have to go before my children/husband and confess that I was wrong.  Ask forgiveness.  They have been generous in giving it to me. 

I started praying about this last fall.  I wish I could say that I am cured, but alas, there are some days that I think I haven't made any progress at all.  But God is working on me.  The days that are good, I know I have been filled with the Holy Spirit.  The days that went badly,I know I needed to be closer to God.

It's a journey.  Now that I have decided to share, I hope that others will join me and we will support each other.  Tomorrow I hope to be able to share scriptures that have helped me break the cycle of hateful, unloving speech.

I Know God is With Me, But......

This is kinda a personal posting, but if my sharing helps someone else, I am very glad to do it.  Sometimes it just helps to know you aren't alone.

Depression has an interesting way of sneaking up on people.  Sometimes it is the smallest things that make me just want to throw in the towel - and suddenly I realize I am depressed and have to look back and wonder when it all started.  Today's revelation was brought on when a friend commented about paying off one of his last 3 debts.  I could only wish we had 3 debts and that one was newly paid off!  LOL  But it is more than that and I know it.........

My battle with depression began many, many years ago.  I never felt like I was good enough and my people issues didn't help matters any.  I prefer to keep things bottled up.......I don't ever really remember exploding.  I just figure out how to deal with it.  Probably not well, but that is how it goes I suppose.  I graduated high school, got married, had Lee.  I don't really remember being excited about graduating high school, just resigned to my future.  My wedding day was the best day of my life, but even it was shadowed by hurt and disappointment, as the people I hoped would want the best for me were not supportive.  They couldn't even pretend to be happy for me and as much as I tried to ignore that disappointment, it still clouded my otherwise wonderful day.  Because of my choice of husband, we had no financial help in the wedding arrangements (aside from dh's mother who helped when she could).  Life doesn't seem to work out the way you want it to sometimes.  I have a feeling this is turning into a pity party, so I'm moving on.

After Lee was born, Norman lost his job.  We were getting ready to lose the house we had bought and had nowhere to go.  A last hour miracle financed us a trailer on my parent's ground.  We had nothing.  I don't remember fighting a lot but its hard when you don't even have the money to buy groceries.  Norman bounced from job to job while I tried to go to school.  The fighting started.  We drifted apart.  When I found out I was pregnant with Greg, I decided I had to either give this situation everything I had, or get out.  I decided to stay.  Greg was born and I hit the bottom.  I can honestly say that was the worst year of my life.  Norman got a great, steady, financially wonderful job shortly after Greg was born.  However, he had to work away from home.  There were many days that I didn't get out of bed.  Still, my memories of that year are a haze.  So many wonderful opportunities with my oldest 2 children slipped through my fingers.  Great friends and an amazing God got me through that year and helped me get out of that dark place. 

Depression is a very dark place.  Often, the depressed person knows they have a problem (I hate when people say if you know you are depressed, then stop)......they just don't know how to fix it.  Fear places a person in a place of inability......inability to think, to do, to plan.  Inability breeds and grows. 

I've struggled some since then, but I can honestly say that things have never been as bad as they were then.  I wish I could say that I have conquered depression!  Maybe people who don't care what others think, maybe they aren't affected as much.  I don't know. 

Our current situation is a mess.  If you are a personal friend, then you know what is going on, otherwise HERE is the quick story.  Feeling abandoned by the people that should love you the most is the worst feeling.  I don't wish that on anyone.  Loneliness has crept in.  I look around and want to change the house, bring in a breathe of fresh air, but what is the point?  We, God willing, won't be here that much longer.  But what if we are?  What if this house never sells?  What if we can't get financed for another house?  What ifs......they sneak up on you.......a person of fragile emotional bearing is very vulnerable to the "what ifs". 

God holds me up.  Every day I feel Him and I know that without Him I would be nowhere. Sometimes I need a little reassurance though.  A little earthly reminder that things are going to be ok.  I am trying to remember that sometimes you don't get that.........sometimes things that we can't control happen. 

A little change will do me good, and maybe a little more in a direction that can help our future.  Right now, there are so many variables.  I am thankful for the things we have and hope that the future is bright. 

Sometimes I just want to cry.........

Choosing Joy

In this lifetime I will have many choices to make.  Many choices to be made every single day.  Although most of the choices I make have no bearing on my eternal life, many will impact how my day goes or how others perceive my life or how my life experience is remembered.


Some of the choices I have faced today include:
*when to get up (although for the most part, Abby did that for me)
* what to have for breakfast (don't tell WW but I had leftover pizza)
*TV news or Bible study (sadly, today I chose TV news)
*shower or just dress (I showered)
*chores or my fun stuff (I did "must do" chores and then knitting)
* lunch menu (leftovers)

You get the idea.  Out of that list, the only thing that I can see that would have eternal value was the choice NOT to have Bible study.  However, several of those choices will impact my outlook on the day - did I feel rushed because Abby got up the same time I did? How is my energy level because I chose a crummy breakfast? Am I ready to face the day since I chose a shower? Do I feel somewhat justified in my choice to do something for me (knitting time) now that I have the household running somewhat smoothly?

No matter what option I choose at each crossroads I always have the choice of JOY.  Choosing joy means that I am at peace no matter what time Abby or the clock wake me up.  I can feel JOY that I didn't have to make myself a big breakfast (or JOY that I had the time/ability/desire to make a healthy breakfast).  JOY keeps me smiling when I don't have the time to do my things.  JOY breeds patience and kindness when Bear tells me something 25 times or wants me to build the lincoln log town.....again.  JOY reminds me that having my husband home every evening is worth the 4:45 a.m. wake-up call.  Joy leads to contentment when I wish we could go out to supper, or I can sit on our "imaginary porch". 

Living a joyful life enables others to see Christ through me.  Do I lead a joyful life daily?  Unfortunately not.  I hope though, that most of my days are filled with joy.  I ask God daily to give me joy in my heart and that the joy I feel will lead others to see the joy of Christ in my life.

Sometimes it is easier not to choose joy.  Sometimes feeling joyful takes effort.  I have found though, in my life, that the little effort required to find the good in each person or situation leads to wonderful blessings in my life.  A day may go from bad to better or at least memories will be made. 

My lincoln log mayor is calling me to rebuild his town :)  So for now, I am choosing joy in playing with this little boy.....one who won't be little for very much longer.  Thank you God for the ability to live with JOY!

Ultimate Women's Expo

Hey!
I just got an email from my friend, Cindy Rushton. She was telling me all about her Ultimate Women's Expo. She has just finished adding all of the resources into the members only Membership Site. Actually, she is so "pumped" that she has just shared a sneak peek into her Membership Site.

You see one of the neat things about the Ultimate Women's Expo is that everything is ONLINE indefinitely. Cindy builds a private, exclusive Membership Site that includes everything from the UWE in one place--it has audios (from all of the sessions and from the bonus gifts that her speakers give to us), ebooks, articles, printable planning pages, cookbooks, on and on. I can't believe all of the things that we receive for only $19.95. It is truly ULTIMATE!

Anyway, back to the reason that I am sharing with you...
Cindy just sent me permission to give you a sampler of one of her free gifts that is included on the Membership Site. I am so excited to give it to you! It is a audio and ebook set that she actually sells on her website, but she is giving away on the Membership Site. Here is the link:

Fill-R-Up! Taking Care of Mom!Audio Workshop Download With Cindy Rushton

Do you ever find yourself overwhelmed by the tremendous calling of womanhood? Do you consider this one of the most demanding, yet rewarding roles you will ever fill…yet that send shivers down your spine? Join Cindy as she exhorts you in this high calling. Digging deep in the Word of God, you are sure to find this workshop to touch the depths of your heart. This workshop was birthed as a result of Cindy’s heart cry during times she has found her OWN cup empty! The biblical insights are sure to draw YOUR heart to your Heavenly Father AND to those you are pouring into. Join us as Cindy ministers encouragement and direction straight from the Word of God to your heart, soul, and mind.
Download by Mp3http://www.cindysdesktop.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/TALFillRUpWorkshop.mp3

Isn't that FUN?
You know the saying that a picture captures a thousand words,well...what about a a gift like this??? And, just think...this is only ONE of the awesome gifts included on the Membership Site. There are hundreds more!
Take my word for it, you will WANT to purchase this set and access all of the wonderful resources. Grab your set here:
http://tinyurl.com/7bxorj

PS! Enjoy the Preview Chats for free this week! Tune in here:http://www.BlogTalkRadio.com/Ultimate-Womens-Expo/

Jealousy and Envy - At What Cost to Your Family?

Today I was reading James (chapter 4) with the boys during Bible study. The discussion was about jealousy and envy and how these can destroy relationships.

As humans we have needs. Then we have wants. Generally our needs don't get us into to much trouble as there is very little that we truthfully need. Food (beans, rice and water), shelter (not a mansion) and clothing (thrift store will do) are the basic needs for life. Where we, as humans, get into trouble is with our wants. We want better food. We want a nicer house. We want fancy clothes. And then there are the gadgets! The biggest problem with this occurs when we see our neighbor with a new car, home improvements or larger grocery budget (not to mention that new ipod, cell phone or laptop computer). How does that make us feel?

Are we thankful for the blessings that God has bestowed on them? Do we compare situations and find ourselves wanting?

The commercialization of our culture doesn't usually make the situation any better. We can see the new things just as soon as they are created. The TV/Radio makes sure to tell us that we NEED the newer option.

I have noticed in my life that envy and jealousy can have a very negative impact on my family. I see another family buy that new vehicle and I begin nagging my husband for a new one as well. A relative builds a beautiful new house and suddenly mine looks shabby in comparison. As the wife I get to choose how that makes my husband feel.

Husbands of a one-income family have a very large burden to bear, right off the bat. They must shoulder all the responsibility for finances. If they are sick, disabled or layed off then who will care for their family? Who will take care of the NEEDS of that family?

This morning, I was praying and began thinking about James 4. Envy and jealousy cause quarrels among people. They are the source of anger. The jealousy that a wife can feel can also destroy a hard working husband. We must always be careful that our actions and words affirm the blessings that God is giving us through our husbands. We must be very careful when speaking or referring to the blessings of others, that we don't speak ill of the blessings that our husbands have given us. If you have your 3 basic needs met, in any form, then you are very blessed indeed. Other things in life are just icing on a very good cake. If we are blessed to receive those things - what a blessing!

Thank you is a simple thing to say and I really believe that we should be saying it more often. Especially to our husbands.

Have a good night!

A Child's Heart - God's Garden

Amending the Soil of the Child's Heart (Session 1)

My dear friend, Crystal Wetherholt, has blessed me with the opportunity to listen to her new seminar/CD series called A Child's Heart - God's Garden. Today, I had the opportunity to listen to session 1.

Crystal uses the analogy of a gardener preparing a garden as she walks us through capturing the heart of our child. First, Crystal goes through a list of "red flags" that should indicate to us that we have lost the heart of our child/children. Then she gives 10 possible causes for this breech and finally, she gives ways that we can recapture the hearts of our children.

All of this in the first session!

Crystal isn't a "here is what you did wrong, now fix it" person, either. Crystal's heart is very transparent in this series. She candidly discusses problems that she has encountered as she has raised her children; ways that she lost their hearts and how she was able to get them back. She gives practical advice to hurting parents and shows them how to seek God's will for their family and children.

When Crystal dropped these CDs off at my house the other day, I was so eager to listen to them! I have been praying lately about the heart's of my children. I know how I have messed up in my relationship with them and Crystal is gently leading my heart back to my children. I only wish that I had this message 11 years ago!

This message, and the ones to follow, maybe be found at Crystal's website. Her CDs can be purchased for $10 each and she can be scheduled to speak to groups. Crystal has a heart for women, mothers, and their children. If you feel that you have lost your children's hearts or if you are a new mother starting out, I urge you to listen to Crystal's message. Let God do His powerful work in your family's life!

Depression

Sometimes some things just sneak up on you.

If you would have asked me this time last year if I was depressed I would have said absolutely not. Even when I was dealing with post-partum depression last December, I would have assured you that it was a phase and would be quickly over with. I never would have admitted to being depressed since May 2007.

Most things have a cause, or starting point. In May 2007 my husband and I had serious problems with my parents and brother. During that time, untrue accusations were made and unattainable expectations were laid down. My parents are unable to accept that things aren't always going to be the way that they want them to be and other people in this world aren't always going to fit into their "people form". They said many things that shouldn't have ever been said and many feelings have been hurt in the process. Mainly my sweet husband. The people that he looked up to and respected threw everything in his past in his face. I feared all summer long that he wouldn't make it out of the black hole that they dug for him.

He did. Not without scars however and it is those scars that are still haunting me.

Anyway, during that week in May, I spiraled into a terrible depression. I guess that I knew I was "down", but with a vacation in June and then an ultrasound in July, I had a LOT to be happy about and thankful for. I was thrilled about the baby that we had waited so long for and I put a smile on my face. Even I began to believe that I was truly happy.

And so we went. My little Bear was born in October. I went through the typical ppd in November but thought that I was back to my old self in December. Things were typically hectic with the holidays and Norman worked a ton of overtime, managing to avoid all major family holidays. I am sure my family was secretly relieved. I was truly sad.

With the holidays coming again I have had to readdress this issue and make some tough decisions in my life. For the health of my family. Those decisions are going to cause confrontation with my family. I hate confrontation.

I sat on the couch today and realized that since May of 2007 I have gained 20 lbs. I have no interest in homeschool, homekeeping or enjoying these beautiful children that God has so graciously given to me. I have taken to eating everything I see and watching mindless trash on TV. I am depressed. And the hole is rather large.

So now, I must decide to pull myself out. I have to figure out how to deal with the family issues that are haunting me and I must decide for myself and my family to get off the couch and back to the stuff that really matters.

The reason that I am posting this isn't necessarily to air dirty laundry or to make you feel sorry for me, but it is to remind all of my readers that depression is real. Depression can take over everything in your life and waste precious time with your family. Every single day is a gift and I don't intend to let depression get the better of me.

I am now going to post this, putting all my very human flaws out there for all the world to see. Please take a minute to look at your life and make sure that you are living it in the best, God-honoring way that you can!

I Choose

• to love my Lord and Saviour with my heart, mind and soul
• to conceive, birth and raise any children God blesses me with
• to dress like a woman
• to dress in a modest style
• to submit to my husband, allowing him to lead our family in God's will
• to homeschool (with my husband's blessing) my children, training them in the way that they should go
• to pray for the best and prepare for the worst

Every day that you and I live our lives we have a multitude of choices to make. Some of these choices are trivial and some have eternal value. All of our choices should reflect God's love and our obedience to Him. What do your choices say about you?

A Note from Psalm

Psalm 27 (NAS)
The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?
When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, My adversaries and my enemies, the stumbled and fell.
Though a host encamp against me, My heart will not fear; Though war arise against me, In spite of this I shall be confident.

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord, and to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me; And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me.
When Thou didst say, "Seek My face, : my heart said to Thee, "Thy face, O Lord, I shall seek."
Do not hide Thy face from me, Do not turn Thy servant away in anger; Thou hast been my help; Do not abandon me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the Lord will take me up.
Teach me Thy way, O Lord, And lead me in a level path, Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.

***I am waiting God. Show me!

What Kind of Woman Are You?

I was journaling on Aug. 21st (I always date my journals so I know) but was interrupted. I still haven't got back to it, but my journal is open to my spot on my desk so I have seen it often since.

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

If that doesn't make you stop and think, then nothing will! How does my family feel about living with me? Am I the brawlilng woman, yelling and starting fights at whim? What does my attitude and tongue say about me?

Today, I have to say that I failed miserably. Greg, Bear and I got home from Greg's soccer practice and everyone was hunger. The baby was screaming and the older 2 were nowhere to be found. I was so frustrated and yelled at them in anger to come help me. Then I made several snide comments to the effect of "having to do everything all by myself". How did that make my children feel? What kind of example was I setting for my children regarding appropriate behavior/attitudes/speech?

Thank you Lord for convicting me in this area! I am learning so much and being humbled by how much farther I have to go.
I am thankful that Jesus has so much mercy on me!