Depression

Sometimes some things just sneak up on you.

If you would have asked me this time last year if I was depressed I would have said absolutely not. Even when I was dealing with post-partum depression last December, I would have assured you that it was a phase and would be quickly over with. I never would have admitted to being depressed since May 2007.

Most things have a cause, or starting point. In May 2007 my husband and I had serious problems with my parents and brother. During that time, untrue accusations were made and unattainable expectations were laid down. My parents are unable to accept that things aren't always going to be the way that they want them to be and other people in this world aren't always going to fit into their "people form". They said many things that shouldn't have ever been said and many feelings have been hurt in the process. Mainly my sweet husband. The people that he looked up to and respected threw everything in his past in his face. I feared all summer long that he wouldn't make it out of the black hole that they dug for him.

He did. Not without scars however and it is those scars that are still haunting me.

Anyway, during that week in May, I spiraled into a terrible depression. I guess that I knew I was "down", but with a vacation in June and then an ultrasound in July, I had a LOT to be happy about and thankful for. I was thrilled about the baby that we had waited so long for and I put a smile on my face. Even I began to believe that I was truly happy.

And so we went. My little Bear was born in October. I went through the typical ppd in November but thought that I was back to my old self in December. Things were typically hectic with the holidays and Norman worked a ton of overtime, managing to avoid all major family holidays. I am sure my family was secretly relieved. I was truly sad.

With the holidays coming again I have had to readdress this issue and make some tough decisions in my life. For the health of my family. Those decisions are going to cause confrontation with my family. I hate confrontation.

I sat on the couch today and realized that since May of 2007 I have gained 20 lbs. I have no interest in homeschool, homekeeping or enjoying these beautiful children that God has so graciously given to me. I have taken to eating everything I see and watching mindless trash on TV. I am depressed. And the hole is rather large.

So now, I must decide to pull myself out. I have to figure out how to deal with the family issues that are haunting me and I must decide for myself and my family to get off the couch and back to the stuff that really matters.

The reason that I am posting this isn't necessarily to air dirty laundry or to make you feel sorry for me, but it is to remind all of my readers that depression is real. Depression can take over everything in your life and waste precious time with your family. Every single day is a gift and I don't intend to let depression get the better of me.

I am now going to post this, putting all my very human flaws out there for all the world to see. Please take a minute to look at your life and make sure that you are living it in the best, God-honoring way that you can!