I went to the cemetery today.
My best friend, Denise Marie Clark, was born 32 years ago Valentine's Day. She only walked on this earth for 14 years. For reasons that remain her own, she took her own life on Oct. 16, 1991. We were just into our freshman year of high school. I cried at her grave today.
The fall of 1991 was filled with life-altering moments for me. I started high school in August. Always terribly shy (and according to my freshman health teacher, introverted), I BEGGED my mother not to make me go. I did great as a student, but the required social interactions were terrifying to me (I am still not sure how I managed so well).
About 3 weeks into school I started dating a guy that I had pined over for almost a year. I am still not sure what I was thinking......probably wasn't, but he decided that I wasn't "enlightened" enough and it ended just about as quickly as it started. He made sure that all his friends knew about my "inexperience". A couple forward ones were kind enough to tell me. I was devastated.
I went to homecoming with a girl-friend. I clearly remember that evening trying to talk Denise into coming with us. She had a fight with some other girls earlier that evening and had come for the football game but decided not to stay for the dance afterwards. Waving goodbye to her still haunts me.
She took her own life on the following Monday morning. I never talked to her again. I found out from some gossiping people at school. Sat with another friend and cried on the school steps. Never occured to me that I could go home. I even went to school the day of the funeral. We left school and went to the funeral, graveside, dinner and then all trooped back to school like good little students. Why did we do that? What were our parents thinking?
Denise is buried on a hilltop near her childhood home way out in the middle of nowhere. The road is barely gravel. As I drove out there today I remember what it felt like driving out there then. It was cold that day. My friends and I huddled together at the graveside (the funeral was held at the Catholic church - the first time I was ever in a Catholic church). I remember not wanting to intrude upon the family.........my grief couldn't be as intense as theirs. I remember the drive back to town. The ladies of the church that served us lunch were very insistent that we all ate......and we did. I realize now that we were all in shock. How could this happen?
I have always wondered why she felt that she had to do that and why I missed that she needed help. The guilt of being a terrible friend has laid heavy on me. I miss my friend terribly.
Today I cried. The whole way to the cemetery and the whole time I was there. It was cold today too. I was all alone as I straightened flowers and asked why. All alone at that little cemetery. I cried more today than I think I ever have. Something inside of me let go.
My thoughts turned to those few months in the fall of 1991. Looking back I see that those things that happened impacted my life. I don't remember the rest of my high school years as clearly as I remember those 2 months. I learned survival by burying my feelings. I learned to never trust. I learned that things must sometimes be done in order to keep relationships (however wrong that thinking was). I know now that those things aren't true, but the damage done by my thinking during those years has haunted me the rest of my life. I am trying to overcome, but I am not sure that I ever will.
My God is a god of new beginnings. Today I think that I have finally laid my past, all the horrible things, experiences and decisions at that cemetery on the top of that hill in the middle of nowhere. God has granted me an opportunity to start over emotionally. I can make decisions based on God's will in my life. I am worthy of good things. My life has meaning.
Thank you for listening to my rambling. I have no doubt that it has no applicable meaning to anyone else, but I wanted to be able to look back - have my children look back and know that I was able to let go of my baggage.....it doesn't have to haunt us (ME) forever. God is merciful - great - and worthy to be praised. God is powerful and strong. God overcomes the terrible things that sin brings into our lives. My god is an AWESOME God!